Why Jack Harkness Doesn't Make Coffee
by norsegodchick13
Summary: when Ianto let Jack Harkness attempt to use the coffee machine, he did not expect anything bad to happen. It was only coffee, right? What could go wrong?   Everything.


**Yup! A new fandom. This takes place sometime in Season one, mainly because I haven't seen past it (but I have read spoilers). Anyway, enjoy!**

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><p>"Jack? Make coffee? Never again." Ianto frowned, holding his hands up. The blue alien gunk would not come off no matter what they tried. It had been three nights and everyone was exhausted. "I'm the only one who touches the coffee maker."<p>

"Why?" Gwen sprayed Weevil repellent on his hands. Nothing happened. "Got anything else?"

Jack handed her a carton of milk. "Look, nothing big happened."

"You caused 72 paradoxes, set free an army of Daleks, 25 Weeping Angels, the Slitheen, and several angry saber-toothed tigers into Cardiff, died three times, blew up the base twice, and set the water on fire." Ianto sighed, looking at the gunk. Gwen poured the milk on it, and if anything, it seemed to expand and get stickier.

"All coincidences," Jack frowned, looking at the gunk. It seemed unlikely that any substance would get rid of it.

"Coincidences caused by your coffee-making," Ianto sighed.

"Wait wait, tell me what happened." Gwen giggled.

"Well, it was-"

"I'm telling the story, Jack.

It was just before you joined Torchwood. The day was actually pretty similar to today – I had alien gunk on my hands that was impossible to get off. Everybody wanted their precious coffee, but nobody could work out the coffee maker – not even Tosh. I tried to give them instructions, but they couldn't figure them out. Jack was the only one who wouldn't give up. I urged them to go get something from a shop, but they were all too busy, and Jack had been banned. Twice. What could go wrong? I thought, and began to give Jack instructions.

'You see the green container?' I started. Immediately he reached for the yellow one. Yes, Jack, it's yellow.

'Yeah,' He took the wrong container anyway.

'The green one.'

'This is green.'

'That's yellow. The _forest_ green one.'

He managed to get the right container this time, and set it down on the counter. He opened it.

'Wait. First you should clean it. Owen probably did something to it.' I stopped him, and handed him some dish soap. He began to wash it out, then put it in the oven.

'Why are you putting it in the oven?' I shouted. Yes, Gwen, he _did _put it in the oven. God knows why he thought that would make sense.

'It has a clean button on it, doesn't it?' He pressed the button before I could stop him. No. It does not make any sense at all to anybody above seven. Luckily, he got it out of the oven while I shouted at him. He rinsed out the dish soap and began to grind up the coffee beans. We didn't expect Suzie to walk past, and we certainly didn't expect beans to start jumping up and attacking her. This was explained by the alien device in Jack's pocket that made coffee beans incredibly vicious.

He pulled out his gun and shot at the beans while Suzie escaped. The beans ended up on the floor, powdered, with bits of metal and plaster in them. Jack thought they would still be usable. I didn't think to stop him.

So, he got the coffee into the machine. The next step I was certain he wouldn't be able to fail at. It was to get three cups of water. He got out the measuring cup and filled it with water. Everything seemed to be going so well.

Then the water caught fire.

Yes, you heard me right. Water. Plain, normal, water, on fire, with no alien device or substance causing it. The rift was at normal activity. Somehow, Captain Jack Harkness had managed to set water on fire.

'What the hell did you do?'

'I don't know! I don't even know how this is possible! Argh!' The fire spread to his sleeve. He poured the water – the _flaming _water – onto his sleeve in order to put out the fire, which worked as well as you might think. The flames spread. I couldn't move my hands, and nobody got there fast enough. He was soon engulfed in flames and burnt to death.

He woke up about 30 minutes later. Something compelled me to get him to continue his attempt at making coffee, even though he (and Owen, and Tosh, and Suzie) was against it. I dragged him back with my feet. He protested, of course, not wanting something else to happen. I reassured him that it couldn't possibly be worse.

How wrong I was.

He got the water into the container with only about 5% of the previous fire, and started the machine. I was a little impressed, but I began to worry about how the coffee would taste as the thing started making weird sounds. They were sort of _Vworp, vworp _noises that caused Jack to freak out. We looked at the machine and didn't see what was behind us.

The blue police box. Big, blue, boxy, police-y, appearing out of nowhere-y. Jack banged on the door, screaming 'DOCTOR!' and ignoring the coffee. Come to think of it, both of us were ignoring the coffee. When a big blue box appears out of nowhere, you tend to ignore coffee. I started to bang on the door with him, but my hand was stuck. Jack stepped back to try and pull me off, but it didn't work. He let go. A man stepped out, in a pinstriped suit, and a girl with blonde hair in sweats followed.

'Rose! Doctor!' Jack shouted.

'Jack!' The girl grinned at him and they began to hug. The man in the suit frowned, then his eyes widened.

'I saw your name on the casualties for the battle-'

'Rose! Get back!' The man shouted. If the girl was Rose, then he was the Doctor. The one Jack wouldn't shut up about sometimes.

They went back inside the box.

'Wait, what's-'

The box began to disappear. Neither Rose nor the Doctor noticed me stuck to the outside of their box. Of course they didn't. Anyway, the box disappeared.

Me with it.

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><p><strong>So? What do you think? Please leave a review. Please.<strong>


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